Tour De Heart
by GirlWithNoLife
Summary: It's the Color of Magic where Twoflower is a girl and Rincewind and she eventually fall in love. Why? Because I'm addicted to gender bending and I like the RincewindxTwoflower pairing.
1. Ankh-Morpork

Discworld: Tour De Heart

Summary: It's the Color of Magic where Twoflower is a girl and Rincewind and she eventually fall in love. Why? Because I'm addicted to gender bending and I like the RincewindxTwoflower pairing.

Disclaimer: Discworld belongs to Terry Pratchett. All I did was gender bend.

Notes: I haven't read _all_ the discworld books yet, so I might make a few mistakes here and there. And I know, title sucks. I apologize.

*o8

**Chapter 1: Ankh-Morpork**

Once, long ago in a distant and secondhand set of dimensions, in an astral plane that was never meant to fly, the curling star-mists wavered and parted as the Great A'Tuin the giant swam through the empty space. Resting atop its back was a small world held up by four giant elephants in the shape of a disc.

On this world, riding upon the Circle Sea, in a rickety old, sea boat was Twoflower, the world's very first tourist. As the boat sailed this "tourist" sat in the captain's cabin studying her 'guide book' that she had made herself over the years. The captain had insisted she stay there as she made the sailors… "anxious." Why she could never guess, but if she had to she say that she had scared them a bit with her picture box. The captain said that there was another reason, but she didn't quite understand it.  
Twoflower pressed the book to her chest as a dream filled sigh escaped a smile from pink lips. Her bright eyes sparkled with excitement behind large glasses. She was so excited about her destination she could feel herself glowing.

To think, that just a few months before she was sitting in a drab living room, serving tea(1). Wasting her life and prime years, like a wallflower. Now she was finally full filling her dream of seeing Ankh-Morpork. The place where _heroes_ were said to gather.

At the foot of her bed a grunt of sleep was released. She glanced down and there laid a large, chest that seemed to be snoring. How a chest could snore, Twoflower did not know and yet it did, among other things Twoflower did not know a chest could do.  
She had purchased the mysterious, yet enduring trunk from an even more peculiar little shop in her home town. Twoflower had been more than a little surprised when the trunk had started to move on its own, but quickly decided that having a chest that could walk on its own would be helpful while taking in the sights. Besides, Twoflower thought it would be nice to have company on her journey.

Originally, Twoflower had invited her sister, but she would have none of it. "People outta stay where they're put." She had stated. But Twoflower didn't buy that. If that were so, then there would be no adventures or tales of heroes. To this her sister had been quick to point out that there would also be no wars, but Twoflower had pushed this aside. Her sister always believed the worst of the world and sure she would meet her end in the world. Twoflower, however, knew better. She knew that despite what her sister thought, people were generally good and decent. They just made bad decisions sometimes.  
Besides, it wasn't like Twoflower actually planned to get involved with anything, heavens forbid! She just wanted to look, watch, and observe everything. So long as she didn't let herself actually get tangled up with the fighting and such, no one would have any reason to harm her. Though the idea of being able to become a hero was very… exciting! It would never happen, mind, but you never know.

"Oh, I hope I get to meet as many heroes as possible!" she whispered to herself as she let herself fall back on to the bed, fantasies swirling around her head fueled by her own excitement.

'_Who knows,'_ chimed a voice. _'Perhaps you'll be rescued by some dashing hero and fall in love.'_ Twoflower immediately rebutted herself. She wasn't on this trip to fall in love or anything of the sort. She was here to look and observe and then return home. Though honestly, if something like that _were_ to possibly happen…  
Twoflower once again had to rebuke herself. She was a woman in her middle years and heroes only went for the young, fair maidens in their prime. No hero would ever fall for her. Besides, she was a widow. And a good widow was to mourn their fallen husband until their own time came.

There was a knock at the door and the captain poked in his scarred face and looked at her with his one good gray eye.

"'e're comin' up on Morpork." He said. He eyed the suitcase suspiciously as it let out a grunt, apparently waking up. Twoflower jumped up excitedly and ran past the captain. The Captain watched as from the chest appeared many tiny legs that stretched as the luggage itself let out a yawn. The captain then threw himself up against the wall as it followed its mistress. On deck, the young woman ran to the edge. Her whole face contorted in to that of surprise before a wide smile broke across it.

"Oh, wow!" she said, eyes sparkling. "It's so wonderful! Isn't it a marvelous sight?" She held her straw hat as the wind blew her long dark hair, in two braids, behind her ears. It also blew her long, yellow, kimono decorated with and array of flowers, creating a fan effect as it feathered around her.

The captain squinted past her. If "_marvelous_" meant "decrepit cesspool of crime" then yes. Ankh-Morpork was certainly "_marvelous."_

When the boat docked and the sailors laid down the plank, Twoflower turned to the captain and shook his hand.  
"Thank you for bringing me all this way," she said. "Do take care now!" The Captain seemed to chuckle at something amusing as he returned the shake.  
"Aye," he had said. "You just be sor ter watch yerself now. I dunno what it is you want ter… '_look at_,' but take from an old sailor; this town is dangerous. If you don't watch yerself yer gonna find yerself with yer head smashed." But as the sailor said this he knew his words were going over her head as her eyes were focused on the city. She looked like a child about to enter the candy store for the first time. She turned to him and assured him,  
"Thank you, but I have the feeling everything will turn out just fine." Behind her, several sailors were straining their muscles to carry her luggage off the boat. They were moving rather quickly eager to get rid of the thing after months on board with it. With cheerful optimistic smile and eyes glowing with nativity that the captain had only seen in the eyes of toddlers, the woman turned and skipped down the plank. He shook his head as he turned away.  
'_She's a dead woman. Shame too.'_ He thought as he turned to get to work.

Once her feet hit the dock, Twoflower thought she was floating. Ankh-Morpork! She was standing in Ankh-Morpork! She didn't know where to begin! Well, now that she thought about it she should probably check into a tavern. Aside from the fact that was where the heroes would most likely be, she was quite tired from all the sailing for the past few months.  
As she glanced around and noted that someone was coming towards her. He seemed to be quite an elderly man with rather raggedy clothes. As he approached he was holding out a mug. Her first contact with a local, how exciting! She fumbled with her pouch as he came closer.  
"!" He spoke but Twoflower didn't understand what he had said. She looked up from her pouch and he jumped. Oh, dear! Had she startled him already? He turned to run, but Twoflower had grabbed his arm. "Please wait!" she said. He froze. Twoflower let go and quickly took a small black book from her belt thumbed through it. Then, reading from the first page she read  
"Hallo."  
"?" said the local. Twoflower looked at him blankly. Had he not understood her, or not heard her?  
"Hallo?" she repeated louder and so carefully that Twoflower could hear the vowels tinkling into place through her blossom like lips.  
"Hallo yourself," the man repeated. Twoflower smiled widely and almost jumped with excitement. Her first exchange with an Ankh-Morporkean! She fumbled yet again in her violet pouch. This time she withdrew one Rhinu, which was a large golden coin. As always, it was customary to pay for assistance when taking from their important time. Subtle changes in the beggar's posture made Twoflower feel a little more at ease. She let out a small breath as she consulted the small book again.  
"I wish to be directed to a hotel, tavern, lodging house, inn, hospice, caravanserai," she read off. Good lord, that was a lot of words just to find a 'tavern.'  
"?" said the local, taken aback.  
"Pardon?" Behind her, Twoflower was unaware that a small crowd of fishwives, shellfish diggers and freelance gawkers were watching them with interest. The local tried to speak.  
"!" But Twoflower didn't understand. Worried that he didn't understand her, she read again.  
"I would like to be directed to an hotel, place of repose, tavern, a-"  
"!" said the man hurriedly. He picked up one of the bundles and walked away quickly. After a moment's hesitation Twoflower shrugged and skipped after him. He must have understood her after all!  
As she strolled through the streets after the man, Twoflower took in the sights with keen interest. Everything was so amazing! Defiantly different from where Twoflower had come from. Everything had an antique and lived in look about it, making it looked so historical. Her smile became so bright it could have lit the streets. This was definitely going to be a trip she would never forget.

**End of Chapter**

Well, here's chapter 1! I'm going to try and tell the story through Twoflower's POV mostly, but occasionally I will switch to Rincewind's, whom we will meet in the next chapter.

**1:** I don't believe they let women work as clerks in Twoflower's hometown, so I made Twoflower the widow of a clerk instead.

Oh, and for those who are wondering about my other stories, Weight of Memories, Secrets of Time and Ice, and Ice Age: Age of Man, here's the down low;

WOM: I'm working on it, but because this is a LONG and complicated story, it's going to take a while. I mean it; it has at least 5 parts. And also, I've started to lose enthusiasm because of I've been working on it so long, so I'm taking a break.

SOI&T: I'm waiting for the next book before I do anything more. Nothing else to say.

Ice Age: I'm just looking for the DVD and waiting to get my steam back.

And in defense for all of them; I have college and I've hit writers blocks. It sounds like an excuse, I know, but this is seriously it. College is a drainer and when I do have time to write I can't think of anything!


	2. Rincewind

Discworld: Tour De Heart

Summary: It's the Color of Magic where Twoflower is a girl and Rincewind and she eventually fall in love. Why? Because I'm addicted to gender bending and I like the RincewindxTwoflower pairing.

Disclaimer: Discworld belongs to Terry Pratchett. All I did was gender bend.

Notes: I haven't read _all_ the discworld books yet, so I might make a few mistakes here and there. And I know, title sucks. I apologize.

**Chapter 2: Rincewind**

Rincewind the "Wizzard" sunk into his chair gloomily. Cladded in a dark red robe on which a few mystic sigils were embroidered in tarnished sequins, he sat in the darkest corner nursing a mug of very small beer. There he lamented the troubles of his poor life.

Rincewind should be a high wizard in the Un-seen University of wizards by now, not sitting in this rat hole, drinking could pass as rat piss. Hell, Rincewind wouldn't be surprised if the beer was made from it! (Or at the very least mixed with it.)  
Usually, graduates from the unseen university was destined for mageship at least, but not poor Rincewind, oh no. Sadly, a very unfortunate event left Rincewind knowing only one spell that he dare not say in fear of destroying the world (or worse).  
So now he made a meaningless living around town on his skill and knowledge for languages.  
His face became sour as he took a swing of his ale. His entire life, ruined because of one stupid bet! He had been destined for big things at one time, to be great! Now look at him; wasting away in a dark corner waiting for death and boredom to take him (or food poisoning).

His thoughts of self-pity were interrupted as the tavern went quiet. In all his years this place it had been anything BUT quiet. Not only that, but he got the strange feeling that he was being watched by something. He looked up from his mug and blinked. He was being watched a piece of Luggage. He blinked again.

Twoflower had followed the local into what seemed to be a 'tavern.' It certainly matched the sailor's descriptions anyway.  
Twoflower gawked like a child who had just entered a toy store. So this was the place where heroes started their many adventures. How beyond amazing was this? She wondered how many of the people who sat here were actually heroes getting ready to boldly start their quest. Seeing that they had arrived at what seemed to be the bar and the barkeep, Twoflower pulled out her book and thumbed through the pages.  
"I wish for an accommodation, a room, lodgings, the lodging house, full board, are your rooms clean, a room with a view, what is your rate for one night?" she said all in one breath. As she took in another the barkeep looked to the stranger. The stranger shrugged. They spoke a bit and Twoflower tilted her head, not understanding a word.  
"Sorry? I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that." She said. The barkeep held up three thick red fingers and Twoflower's face became a sunny display of comprehension. She reached into her pouch and laid three large gold pieces on the man's palm. He stared at them and Twoflower wondered if she had offended him or underpaid. He looked at the stranger then at Twoflower. He swallowed.  
"!" he said, in an unnaturally high voice. He made motions as well, but Twoflower could only catch one word.  
"Fut?" she repeated.  
"!" The Barkeep was beginning to sweat. He motioned to her book. Twoflower opened it and ran a finger down one page, looking for the odd word. The Barkeep peered over the top of the volume. He didn't seem to understand it though. Finally Twoflower found a word that was close to what the barkeep had said.  
"Fooood," she sounded out. Then she nodded in understanding. "Yes. Cutlet, hash chop, stew, ragout, fricassee, mince, soufflé, dumpling, blancmange, sorbet, gruel, sausage, not to have a sausage, beans, without a hear, kickshaws, jelly, jam. Giblets." She beamed at the Barkeep. He looked weak.  
"?" said the innkeeper weakly. The one who had lead her there spoke, but Twoflower could not understand. Twoflower felt herself sigh. This was really starting to become a little worrisome. How was she supposed to look at everything and learn if she could not understand anyone? Especially when she had heard that one of the amazing this about Ankh-Morpork was all the gossip?

Then all the sudden they were joined by another man. Unlike the other two he was wearing a long tattered robe and an odd hat. He appeared to be in close age to Twoflower though she was sure she was older by at least a few years. She noted that he was quite tall compared to her, but then that was almost everyone in Ankh-Morpork.  
It took a few seconds for Twoflower to realize that this man was a wizard! How exciting! She had read about them, but never had the pleasure of meeting one before now. After all, they didn't really have them at home. She thought that wizards would be better dressed though. Twoflower assumed however that being a wizard, (if she guessed right) he had more important things to do than worry about his own personal upkeep. What really drew her attention was his deep blue eyes.

She was so busy staring at him that she didn't notice that he was staring _at her_. His eyes trailed over her small form. Behind what seemed to be small glass lens that reminded him of a telescope, Rincewind was staring into bright brown eyes. They were framed by a small round face that made her look very much like a child, in fact at first glance Rincewind had thought that she was a child. However other "assets" quickly told him otherwise. She had an odd body shape that he was not used to seeing around Ankh-Morport, almost like a pear. Most were round, muscular, or very bony. (Not that Rincewind was paid any attention to that sort of thing! That would be completely improper for a wizard.) His gaze shifted to her outfit which almost blinded him with its array of bright colors in assembles of flowers. This woman defiantly looked "odd" to say the least.

He was turned away from her by the innkeeper.  
"Shove off, Rincewind," he snarled. Rincewind lightly removed his hand.  
"I only thought it might be useful to address this young lady in her own tongue," he replied gently. "After all it must all be quite intimidating to her, not understanding what anyone is saying."  
"She's doing all right on her own," said the innkeeper. However, he took a few steps backward. Rincewind smiled politely at the stranger and tried a few words of Chimeran. He prided himself on his fluency.

Twoflower curiously watched as he spoke to the other two men before turning to her with a polite smile. He spoke to her with many words but not one that little Twoflower could understand. He must have been trying to speak to her in Ankh-Morporkian.  
Finally he said something she _could_ understand, though he sounded a bit desperate at this point.  
Twoflower's face split into a delighted grin as she heard a familiar greeting. He spoke Trob! A language that she knew very well.  
"At last!" she said, relief filling her. "My good sir! This is remarkable!" (Although in Trob the last word became "a thing which may happen but once in the usable lifetime of a canoe hollowed diligently by axe and fire from the tallest diamond wood tree that grows in the noted diamond wood forests on the lower Slopes of Mount Awayawa, home of the fire gods or so it is said.").  
"?" said the innkeeper.  
"What did the innkeeper say?" Twoflower asked. The man in the robe swallowed. He spoke to the innkeeper before turning back to her with a rather large, if not odd, grin.  
"Madam," he said levelly. "if you stay here you will be knifed, raped, or poisoned by nightfall. But don't stop smiling, or so will I." For a moment Twoflower thought he was relaying a message, but then realized that he was just talking. Like with any warning she had received on her trip she laughed it off.  
"Oh, come now," she said, looking around. "This looks like a delightful place. A genuine 'Morporkean' tavern. I've heard so much about them, you know. There so many interesting people here. And so reasonable!" The man in front of her glanced around quickly, looking rather confused and befuddled. She paid this no mind.  
"My name is Twoflower," she introduced herself and extended her hand to the wizard. Oddly, the other three looked down at it.  
"Pleased to meet you," the robed man finally said as he shook it. "I'm Rincewind. Look, I wasn't joking. This is a tough place."  
"Good!" Twoflower proclaimed with a nod, pulling herself to full height (which wasn't tall at all). "Exactly what I wanted!"  
"_Eh?_" Twoflower did not notice the look of confusion that passed Rincewind's face as he tilted his head at her. Rather, her attention was on the mugs the innkeeper was bringing out.  
"What is this stuff in the mugs?" she asked.  
"This?" Rincewind held up his own mug. "Beer. Thanks, Broadman. Yes. Beer. You know. _Beer._"  
"Ah! The so-typical local drink." Twoflower nodded in understanding. She had heard about this 'beer.' Back home they had sake. She dug in her purse to get payment. "A small gold piece will be sufficient payment, do you think? I do not want to cause offense." It was already half out of her purse.  
"Yarrt," croaked Rincewind. He cleared his throat. "I mean, no, it won't cause offense."  
"Good."

She followed to the back corner where he been sitting before.  
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but are you really a wizard?" She asked as they sat down. She made a motion to his hat with had wizard spelled with an extra 'z.' People must have spelled words differently.  
"Hm? Oh! Yes, well..." He said in a sort of shy way. Then he coughed and in a more confident tone said, "Not just any wizard, madam! The most prominent and powerful wizard in the entire country!" It was fortunate they were speaking in Trob, otherwise the whole bar would have been rolling on their stomachs in laughter.  
"Really?"  
"Oh yes. The Arch-chancellor listens to everything I say, you know." Rincewind went on. "That place would just fall down without me around." It would only be much later when Rincewind would realize that drinks and the natural urge to impress the opposite sex aren't the best mix. The girl's eyes lit up as she watched him. No one ever looked at Rincewind that way before.

"Wow! I can't believe I met an actual wizard!" she said in a very excited way. "This is so great! I've heard that the famous Unseen University is a must see! I was really hoping to visit it so that when I get back, I can tell people that I did that. Perhaps you could…?" Rincewind coughed nervously.  
"Ah, yes, well it's closed." He told her quickly. "For-for-for, the erm, uh, exams you see."  
"Oh." How unfortunate. But it wasn't like there were other things to see.

"You say this is a tough place. Frequented, you mean, by heroes and other men of adventure?" Rincewind seemed to consider this.  
"_Yes_?"  
"Excellent! I would like to meet some, if at all possible." She added. The wizard thought for a moment before nodding.  
"Ah, I see," he said. "You've come to hire mercenaries."  
"Oh no, not at all!" Twoflower said quickly. "I just want to meet them. So that when I get back home I can say that I did it!" Rincewind frowned curiously at her.

"Where _is _your home?" he inquired. Twoflower had not noticed that the innkeeper had slipped away into some back room, nor that the one who had lead her here was watching them suspiciously from a nearby table. Twoflower thought for a moment, thinking how to explain.  
"Well… Have you heard of the city of Des Palargic?"  
"Well, I didn't spend much time in Trob. I was just passing through, you know-"  
"Oh, it's not in Trob!" Twoflower interrupted with a smile. "I speak Trob because there are many beTrobi sailors in our ports. Des Palargic is the major seaport of the Agatean Empire." Rincewind shrugged as he took a drink from his mug.  
"Never heard of it, I'm afraid." Twoflower raised her eyebrows.  
"No? It is quite big. You sail turn wise from the Brown Islands for about a week and there it is. _Are you all right_?" She hurried around the table and patted the wizard on the back as he choked on his beer.  
"_The counter weight continent?!"_ he finally gasped. Twoflower nodded.  
"Yes," she said slowly, making sure he was okay. "I have heard it called that." Assured he was fine now, she retook her seat. "You see, I live there with my sister and her family. However, it just wasn't the life for me. I mean, it was okay, I guess. But the best part of my day was going to the docks where the sailors were always so kind. They told me so many stories about the wonderful grand city of Ankh-Morpork." Rincewind was listening open-mouthed as Twoflower talked. "So I decided to see for myself," she continued on.  
"Eight years' saving up, this has cost me. But worth every half-rhinu. I mean, here I am. In Ankh-Morpork! Famed in song and story, I mean. In the streets that have known the tread of Hemic Whiteblade. Hrun the Barbarian, and Bravd the Hublander and the Weasel... It's all just like I imagined, you know." Rincewind's face was a mask of fascinated horror. She didn't notice it however.  
"I just couldn't stand it anymore back in Des Pelargic," Twoflower went on blithely, prompting her head on her hands. "sitting in an old house all day, just house cleaning, sweeping the garden, and occasionally going to shop for groceries... Where's the romance in that? 'Twoflower,' I thought, 'it's now or never. You don't just have to listen to stories. You can go there. Now's the time to stop hanging around the docks listening to sailors' tales.' So I compiled a phrase book," she grabbed and held up her black book, "and bought a passage on the next ship to the Brown Islands."  
"No guards?" murmured Rincewind when she finished. Twoflower tilted curiously at him.  
"No. Why? What have I got that's worth stealing?" Rincewind coughed.  
"Well, the trunk for one," he said. "I mean, there can't be more than two sapenpearwood wands in all of the cities of the circle seas! Let alone a whole box." Twoflower shrugged in agreement. However, she was more than confident that her luggage could look after itself. Rincewind took an innocent sip of his beer.  
"And there's also the, uh, gold." This earned a good natured laugh from the woman.  
"Barely two thousand rhinu. Hardly enough to keep anyone alive for more than a month or two. At home, that is. I imagine they might stretch a just a bit further here."  
"Would a rhinu be one of those big gold coins?" Rincewind asked, his eyes wide as he sweated a little.  
"Yes." Twoflower looked worriedly at the wizard over the top of her lenses. "Two thousand should be sufficient, do you think?"  
"Yarrrt," croaked Rincewind, his jaw falling before he remembered how to use it. "I mean, yes, sufficient." Twoflower let out a sigh of relief as she leaned back against her seat.  
"Good!"  
"Um. Is everyone in the Agatean Empire as rich as you?" Twoflower fixed his wide eyed look with one of befuddlement.  
"Me? Rich? Bless you!" she laughed. "Whatever put that idea into your head? I am but a poor clerk!" Then a thought occurred to her. She leaned forward. "Oh dear. Did I pay the innkeeper too much, do you think?"  
"Uh. He might have settled for less," Rincewind conceded. Twoflower leaned back.  
"Oh my. I shall know better next time. I can see I have a lot to learn." She looked at the wizard, who looked very awestruck at something.

"An idea occurs to me; Rincewind would you perhaps consent to be employed as a, I don't know, perhaps the word 'guide' would fit the circumstances? I think I could afford to pay you a rhinu a day." Rincewind opened his mouth and gaped. Twoflower blushed.  
"Oh my. I have offended you," she said. "I apologize. It was an impertinent request to make of a professional man such as yourself. Doubtless you have many projects you wish to return to- some works of high magic, no doubt at all..." She trailed off slightly disappointed. It was a silly request she supposed. After all, wizards were busy men.  
"No," said Rincewind faintly. "Not just at… present. A rhinu, you say? One a day. _Every day_?" Twoflower perked up and smiled. Could it be he was considering her offer?  
"I think perhaps in the circumstances I should make it one and one-half rhinu per day. Plus any out-of-pocket expenses, of course!" She added quickly. The wizard rallied magnificently.  
"That will be fine." he said, his eyes glowing. Then, trying to regain some dignity he added in a more gallant tone, "It's probably for the best. A girl can come to harm all alone in this city." Twoflower almost squealed with excitement and Rincewind almost fell out of his seat in shock when she jumped up and threw her arms around him.  
"This is so wonderful!" It was then that she was hit with a sudden wave of exhaustion. She reached into her pouch and took out a pocket watch, as she called it, glanced at it for a moment, and slipped it back.  
"Well! I think," said the tourist, "that I would like a little sleep now. It was a long crossing after all. Perhaps you would care to call back at noon and we can take a look at the city then?" The wizard nodded numbly.  
"Sure."  
"Then would you please be good enough to ask the innkeeper to show me to my room?" Rincewind did so, and before she went up she insisted on paying Rincewind the first four days in advance. After all, f he was willing to give her some of his very precious time, the least she could do was be grateful.

The innkeeper led the way up the wooden steps behind the bar. After a few seconds the luggage got up and pattered across the floor after them. In her room the innkeeper nodded nervously at her before leaving. She wondered if she had startled him somehow? She glanced at the room and a burst of energy flew through her. It was just as the sailors had described!  
Twoflower twirled around and let herself fall on to the bed, which creaked from the strain. She couldn't believe how well everything was going. With a wizard as her guide things were sure to go wonderfully! After all wizards were a magical sort with insights to things she only dreamed of. Perhaps he would even consent to show her some 'magic.' She turned to look at her luggage with seemed to be watching her with an amused expression. If trunks could look amused that is.  
"Can you believe how lucky we are?" she asked it. "What do you think of Rincewind?" If she could detect the look of disapproval in the wood, she said nothing. She flopped back over and let out a sigh. This trip was going to be amazing!

Yeah, I know its almost exactly like the book, but I can't help it! Well, review please!


	3. The tour begins

Discworld: Tour De Heart

Summary: It's the Color of Magic where Twoflower is a girl and Rincewind and she eventually fall in love. Why? Because I'm addicted to gender bending and I like the RincewindxTwoflower pairing.

Disclaimer: Discworld belongs to Terry Pratchett. All I did was gender bend.

Notes: I haven't read _all_ the discworld books yet, so I might make a few mistakes here and there. And I know, title sucks. I apologize.

**Chapter 3: The Brawl**

Between her exhaustion and excitement Twoflower found that she drifted between sleep and awakening. She had been dreaming of her luggage chasing a gnome down a rainbow when a sudden sound woke her.

Blinking beadily she saw Rincewind standing with her luggage. Twoflower was both extremely surprised and delighted to see her guide. He must have been just as excited to show her around as she was to be shown. She was vaguely curious how he got in though. And was it proper for a man to be in alone in a woman's hotel room? It must have been an Ankg-Morporkean thing.  
"Rincewind!" She sprang off the bed and the wizard jumped back as she ran over to him, his features forming into a large smile.  
"You're right on time!" she said, pulling out her watch to look at the time. "Let's see… I think! We should have lunch first, and then I'm sure you've got a wonderful program lined up for this afternoon!" She pocketed her watch and clapped her hands together, looking up at him with great anticipation.  
"That's great. _Look_," Rincewind took a deep breath. Twoflower tilted her head at the desperation in his voice. "let's eat somewhere else. There's been a bit of a fight down below." Twoflower frowned.  
"A tavern brawl? Oh, dear man, why didn't you wake me up!"  
"Well, you see, I - _what_?" Twoflower set her hands on her hips and fixed him with a look.  
"I thought I made myself clear this morning, Rincewind; I want to see genuine Morporkian life-! The slave market, the Whore Pits," Whatever a 'whore' was. "the Temple of Small Gods, the Beggars' Guild... And a genuine tavern brawl!" A faint note of suspicion entered Twoflower's voice. "You _do_ have them, don't you? You know, people swinging on chandeliers, swordfights over the table; the sort of thing Hrun the Barbarian and the Weasel are always getting involved in. You know – excitement!" Rincewind sat down heavily on the bed. Looking at her with the deepest confusion she had ever seen.  
"You _want_ to see a fight?" he said.  
"Yes. What's wrong with that?"  
"For a start, people get hurt!"  
"Oh, I wasn't suggesting we get involved!" Twoflower explained quickly with a laugh. "Heaven forbid! No, I just want to _see_ one, that's all. And some of your famous heroes too! You do have some, don't you? It's not all dockside talk?" Twoflower was almost pleading at this point. She had heard that sailors would… "exaggerate" from time to time.  
"Oh, yeah. We have them all right," said Rincewind hurriedly. He seemed to recoil from the thought as he said this. He went quiet for a while, lost in thought.  
"Look," he said at last. "have you ever _met_ a barbarian?" Twoflower shook her head. She didn't object to the idea though. The wizard let out a groan.  
"I was afraid of that. Well. They're-"

He was cut off by a clatter of running feet in the street outside and an uproar from downstairs. It was followed by a commotion on the stairs and the door was flung open. There stood a man in uniform, looking between them. Twoflower guessed he was some sort of guard. The watchmen perhaps. He glowered at Rincewind, and then peered at Twoflower with interest. He spoke in Ankh-Morporkean to Rincewind who turned to her after a few lines.  
"Twoflower, I think we ought to get lunch somewhere else." He said in Trob. "I know some places." He marched out into the corridor and, with a shrug, Twoflower followed. A few seconds later there was a strangling sound from the sergeant as the familiar sound of the luggage closing its lid with a snap, echoed.

Bellow, watchmen were dragging bodies out of the room downstairs. Twoflower tugged on the back of Rincewind's robe.  
"Who are all these men?"  
"Oh, you know. Just men," he replied. "Heroes, in fact."  
"_Really?"_ She glanced around. They were… "deader" than she thought they would be. Rincewind continued.  
"Yes, that one over there is Frig Strong in the arm, over there is Black Zenell-"  
"Is Hrun the Barbarian here?" Twoflower, looking around eagerly. She had wanted to meet him the most. Rincewind took a deep breath.  
"That's him behind us." Twoflower's eyes widen in amazement as she started at the corpse he had jabbed at. She threw back the lid of the Luggage and hastily pulled out a heavy black cube.  
"This is fantastic!" she squealed. "They're never going to believe this at home!" She set up the picture box and turned back to Rincewind who had been joined by another, both watching her curiously. Twoflower smiled brightly at them.

"I'd like a record of the event," she said. "Do you think you could ask them all to stand over by the window, please? This won't take a moment. And, er, Rincewind?" She beckoned him closer.  
"Yes?" Twoflower had to stand on tiptoe to whisper.  
"I expect you know what this is, don't you?" Rincewind stared down at the box and shook his head.  
"Not wholly," he said.  
"Oh. Well, it's a device for making pictures quickly," Twoflower explained. "It's quite a new invention. I'm rather proud of it but, um, look, I don't think these gentlemen would, well, I mean they might be, sort of apprehensive? Could you explain it to them, please? I'll reimburse them for their time, of course." Rincewind said something to the watchmen and they smiled nervously. Twoflower's box usually got that reaction. As she set up she said,  
"I'd like you in the picture, Rincewind." Rather nervously he edged in. "That's fine." Twoflower took out the watch, squinted at it and muttered "Thirty seconds should about do it," To the men she said brightly, "Smile please!" There was a whirr from the box. After the picture came out, Twoflower looked at it rather proudly. Above her, Rincewind looked at the tiny square of glass in astonishment. He must not have ever seen anything like this before.

The other men around him craned over his shoulder to look. Their expressions were hilarious. Grinning, Twoflower produced a handful of the quarter-rhinu and handed it to them like a mother would give her child candy after receiving a scare. She winked at the wizard, a small curl on her lips.  
"I had similar problems when I stopped over in the Brown Islands," she said. "They thought the iconograph steals a bit of their souls. Silly, isn't it?"  
"Yarg," said Rincewind. His eyes were focused on the mini him in the picture. Clearing his throat he added, "I don't think it looks very like me, though."  
"It's quite easy to operate," she continued, ignoring him. "See, all you have to do is press this button. The iconograph does the rest." She pressed the camera into the nervous man's hands. "Now, I'll just stand over here next to Hrun, and you can take the picture."  
Rincewind did so and Twoflower found a huge notched sword. She posed with it and smiled widely. Dead or not she had finally met Hurn! This was so amazing!

Rincewind and Twoflower lunched at a small eating-house near the Brass Bridge, with the luggage nestling under the table. The food and wine were very odd compared to what Twoflower usually ate. A very unusual taste; greasy to say the least. However, her thoughts were back at the inn. Looking reflectively into her wine cup she said,  
"Tavern fights are pretty common around here, I expect?"  
"Oh, fairly." Rincewind shrugged, thoroughly enjoying the meal.  
"No doubt fixtures and fittings get damaged?"  
"Fixt - oh, I see. You mean like benches and whatnot. Yes, I suppose so."  
"That must be upsetting for the innkeepers."  
"I've never really thought about it. I suppose it must be one of the risks of the job." Twoflower regarded him thoughtfully.  
"I might be able to help there." she said. "After all, my late husband used to tell me all about risks. They were his business, see. This food is a bit greasy, isn't it?"  
"You did say you wanted to try some typical Morporkean food," said Rincewind. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "_Husband_ you say?" Twoflower nodded very slowly.  
"Late husband. He's gone now." The look she had was so sad and empty, Rincewind himself almost broke into tears.  
"What was that about risks?" he said quickly, almost stumbling over the words.  
"Oh, I know all about risks." Twoflower said proudly and cheerfully. The look she had only a moment before was gone and replaced with eagerness. "They're a business back home."  
"I thought that's what you said. I didn't believe it the first time either." He was looking her over with an amused grin, which then shifted to frown. Twoflower chuckled.  
"Oh no, we don't _take_ risks. About the most exciting thing that happened to me was I knocked some ink over while cleaning. (Though that did earn a very colorful moment for that black and white mess.) No, back home we _assess_ risks. Day after day." She babbled. "Do you know what the odds are against a house catching fire in the Red Triangle district of Des Pelargic? Five hundred and thirty-eight to one. My late husband used to calculate that." she added with a trace of pride.  
"What-" Rincewind tried to suppress a burp. "what for? 'Scuse me." He helped himself to some more wine.  
"For-" Twoflower paused, looking thoughtful and frustrated. "Ugh! I can't say it in Trob, I don't think the beTrobi have a word for it. In our language we call it, 'insurance.'" Rincewind frowned at her, a curious expression on his face through the mess of food.  
"_Inn-sewer-ants_?" he repeated. "That's a funny word. Wossit mean?" Twoflower thought of how to properly explain her work to him.  
"Well…! Suppose you have a ship loaded with, say, gold bars. See, it might run into storms or be taken by pirates, or Vikings, or merfolk! Well, you don't want that to happen, so you take out an '_ensewer-ants-polly-sea.'_" It felt odd saying those words in Trob. "I would work out the odds of the cargo being lost, based on weather and piracy records for the last twenty years, then I add on a bit, then you pay me some money based on those odds-"  
"-and the bit-" Rincewind said, waggling a finger solemnly.  
"Yes, and then if the cargo is lost, I reimburse you."  
"Reeburs?"  
"It means I pay you the value of your cargo," said Twoflower patiently.  
"Oh I get it. It's like a bet, right?"  
"A wager?" Twoflower thought for a moment. "In a way, I suppose."  
"And you make money at this inn-sewer-ants?" She nodded.  
"It offers a return on investment, certainly." Rincewind turned his attention to the yellow wine, twirling it slightly.  
"I don't think I unnerstan' this inn-sewer-ants," he said firmly. "Magic now. Magic I unnerstan'." Twoflower giggled as his words slurred slightly.  
"Magic is one thing, and economics is another." she said.  
"Whah?"  
"What?"  
"That funny word you used," said Rincewind impatiently.  
"You mean economics?"  
"Never heard of it." Twoflower tried to explain, but as she spoke of it she realized how hard it was to explain in trob and it wasn't any easier for Rincewind who was trying so hard to understand.

In the long afternoon Rincewind showed Twoflower the city turn wise of the river. Twoflower led the way, running as the iconicon bounced on a strap round her neck. She was unable to contain her enthusiasm as she rounded each corer. Rincewind struggled to keep up behind. A few others followed as well, but Twoflower didn't really notice. She was delightedly taking picture after picture of people engaged in what she assumed to be typical activities. Thankfully a quarter-rhinu seemed to appease them for their trouble. There was a little difficulty at the Temple of the Seven-Handed Sek where a hasty convocation of priests and ritual heart-transplant artisans agreed that the hundred-span high statue of Sek was altogether too holy to be made into a magic picture. However Rincewind convinced them with a two rhinu.  
The biggest surprise came however when they arrived at the Whore Pits.

"Twoflower, are you sure you want to go in there?" Rincewind asked the young woman as they approached the pits.  
"Of course!" Twoflower said happily as she skipped along next to him. "The sailors always spoke so fondly of it." Rincewind rolled his eyes.  
_'I'm sure they did.'_ Then he asked. "Out of curiosity what is it exactly that they used to say?" Twoflower shrugged her shoulders.  
"Well, they said the women were extremely friendly and would do dances for them." She said. She stopped for a moment as two dogs rolled past, each fighting over the same rat. "They also said something about 'polishing their decks' and 'rustng their anchor.' Not sure what that means exactly. I suppose they must do favors for people."  
"That's one way to put it." Then with a curious, yet amused eye brow, Rincewind asked, "Do you even _know_ what a whore is?"  
"No, but I'm sure they're wonderful people who like to help others." The wizard sighed.  
"Somehow I thought as much. Look, I _really _don't think we should-" His words were lost as Twoflower opened the door. She immediately stepped back out and leaned against the splintered wall, her face as red a ripe tomato and eyes wide with shock and embarrassment.  
"They were—I mean-! _Oh my_!" Rincewind chuckled as the girl hid her face in her hands.  
"_That's_ what whores are," he said. He had to bite his lip to stop himself from bursting out laughing. But even then a few chuckles slipped out in the forms of coughs. "Look, let's just get out of here. There are other places to see, far more proper for a lady."  
"No! No, I want to stay." Twoflower said, her face still burning red. "I said I wanted to see the whore pits and I will…" She peeked her head in and pulled it out immediately.  
"Um, m-maybe you should take the pictures…" she muttered, handing the picture box over to him. Rincewind was torn. On one hand this was no place for a woman, but on the other hand…

Rincewind took many pictures, stashing a few for himself, but two soon left the Whore Pits as Twoflower was so embarrassed that she was contacting a fever.

When as she cooled down, Rincewind laughed at her while she turned her attention to streets; literally the streets in this case.

As she did so, he could help but wonder if this girl was silly, mad, or merely a woman. Whatever she was, Rincewind had never seen a girl like her. She was odd to say the least. She was so childlike; running around, eyes filled with wonder at something Rincewind, who had lived in Ankh-Morpork, could not understand. Actually now that he thought about it, she was more like a puppy. All she needed was a tail to wag.

While Rincewind watched her in amusement, Twoflower kept her attention focused solely on the streets. She was so embarrassed! Aside from the obvious, Twoflower was a little embarrassed that she hadn't put two and two together.  
All her life Twoflower had grown up as a very chaste girl, too naïve to recognize the advance of men. It had been years before she had even realized that her dear fallen husband had been flirting with her, much to the amusement of her sister.

Finally calmed from her "exposure" Twoflower and Rincewind continued their tour of the city. Rincewind was very eager to operate the iconacon, which Twoflower was only too pleased to allow this, since that enabled her to appear in her own pictures.

Twoflower was now posing alongside a bewildered charm-seller, not noticing that a crowd of new-found admirers was watching her with great interest for many reasons. She had finished posing but she could actually buy a charm, someone grabbed her arm. She turned curiously and saw a man. He tugged her towards an alley as he spoke a few words.  
"Um, sorry?" she said. "I don't understand. Let me get Rincewind-" she made to call her guide, but the man holding her tugged harder, almost making her fall over. Then he began to pull her away, down the alley way. This wasn't very hard as she was a very tiny woman. She was worried at first until she saw some men, dressed the same as the one that pulling her, talk to Rincewind. They must have been friends. They were even fetching her luggage for her.  
"Rincewind must be planning something." she said out loud. She let herself be led away by the man.

After many alleys, Twoflower was almost disappointed to find that they were back at the Drum.  
"This is it?" she wondered. To be honest she was expecting more. What exactly was Rincewind planning? In fact, where was he?

**End of Chapter**

Isn't naivity fun? Please review and tell me what you think.


	4. Fire insurance

TwoflowerxRincewind

Special thanks to Rocky Rooster for reviewing! I agree, Rincewind deserves truelove as much as the next guy (maybe even more so.) Though I doubt it would change his personality much.

**Chapter 4: Fire Insurance**

With only her home-made phrase book to help her Twoflower was trying to explain what insurance was to the innkeeper whom she found out to be Broadman. It wasn't easy though as she honestly couldn't tell whether or not he understood. He seemed to be listening intently to her though, so she must have said something he liked.

"So see if there was to be a flame, fire, inferno, blaze, heat, hot," she took a breath. "and the place were to singe, burn, over heat, explode, then I would pay you two hundred rhinu so you could rebuild." She held up a coin for him to see. Broadman's jaw dropped.  
"_Two hundred?"_ he gasped. Twoflower nodded.  
"Two hundred," she repeated. "But first, one, before you would have to pay, give, present, a 'stiffen.'" He frowned.  
"Stiffen?" Twoflower sighed. She wondered if Ninereeds, her late husband, ever had this sort of trouble. Where on earth was Rincewind? She could really use him here. And her luggage for that matter she wondered. Did they get lost?

On the other end of the table the man 'Ymor' was watching them, occasionally feeding one of his ravens with scraps from his plate. Beside him another man, Withel, paced up and down. They were in deep conversation, but as curious as Twoflower was she could not understand them.

Well, it took a considerable amount of time, but Twoflower finally managed to explain what an 'insurance policy' was to the innkeeper. Broadman was more than happy to accept and soon afterward he quickly hurried off to do was Twoflower assumed to be innkeeper work.  
Alone, Twoflower folded her hand her hands and rocked in boredom. As quaint as the Drum was, Twoflower really wanted to explore the city. She didn't want to appear rude to these gentlemen however. They had been very kind to her after all. Yet despite this, Twoflower could feel herself getting restless. If only something exciting were to happen; a brawl perhaps.

As she thought this, the door was slammed back on its hinges and hitting the wall. Twoflower jumped and Broadman screamed at the intruder. Then his eyes widen and he quickly ducked behind the table a mere moment before a short black dart sped across the room and thunked into the woodwork. Twoflower blinked, but Ymor was quite calm as he poured out another flagon of beer. He spoke to the stranger and his own companion, but Twoflower was more in awe of the stranger who spun his short blowgun dexterously and slotted it into its holster in one smooth movement. Well, things certainly did get interesting, quick!  
He strolled down the stairs, followed by a number of men all clothed in black. When he was directly in front of Ymor they said a few words before two of the black clothed men stepped towards her. Stren intercepted them however, his sword appearing to materialize an inch from their throats. Things got tense and Twoflower got curious, wondering what exactly was going on. It was a bit before Twoflower realized the new comer staring at her, but when she did, she grinned shyly and waved. He went back to talking to Ymor, but stopped when once again the door flew open, badly damaging the person who was standing beside it. Twoflower stared up at the figure on the threshold.  
It was short, fat and richly dressed dwarf. But what really caught the little lady's attention was the number of tall, big shapes looming behind him.  
Trolls! She never had the pleasure of meeting a troll before. Oh, how she wished she had her iconicon! Several very large trolls ducked under the doorway and stood on either side of the fat man, blinking in the light. Muscles the size of melons bulged in forearms like flour sacks and each troll held a double-headed axe. Broadman erupted from under the table and started to yell, but gods if she knew what they were saying. After Broadman had cheerfully decided to retreat to the cellar, the men started to speak. It was then that Twoflower began to understand the feeling of being lonely in crowded room. They were so many wonderful and interesting people, but Twoflower could not speak to a single one of them. She was happy to "look" at them, of course, but without her iconicon to take their picture, how would she ever remember them?  
She heaved a heavy sigh. Honestly, no one would even notice if she left to look for her luggage.

Just as Twoflower was contemplating going to bed, she saw the stranger near her bring his blowgun to his mouth and send a dart hissing towards the nearest troll. It spun around, hurling its axe, which whirred over the assassin's head and buried itself in a person behind him. Another troll behind him raised its huge iron crossbow and fired a spear-length quarrel into the nearest black clothed stranger.

From there things became very interesting. A great brawl broke out, more exciting than Twoflower ever imagined! Oh, how she wished she had her picture box. She gasped in gleeful surprise as a knife went past her ear. My, things were getting rather rough. Perhaps it would be best if she didn't observe the brawl from the center of it all.  
Careful to not interrupt anyone, Twoflower made her way to the side and climbed into the rafters. There, she thought, she could still watch the brawl without getting in the way. She was watching the brawl like a child would watch a puppet show when something even odder happened;

Through one of the Drum's windows a small bag flew in across the room and burst on the edge of a table. A moment later gold coins were rolling across the floor, spinning, glittering. Twoflower frowned as the room went silent, save for the tiny noises of gold and the whimpers of the wounded. Withel yelled something and three score men and a dozen trolls froze in mid-grope. Twoflower watched them curiously.

'_What on the disc…?'_ Then for the third time that night, the door burst open and two trolls hurried through it. They then quickly slammed it behind them dropped the heavy bar across it and fled down the stairs. It was a waste of time however, for the door exploded a moment later and the wooden bar was hurled far across the room. Door and frame landed on a table and both flew into splinters. Squinting, Twoflower noticed that it was her luggage. It was shaking itself madly to free itself of the smashed timber around it.  
"That's my luggage!" Twoflower said in the same way one would talk about their pet. A moment later, Rincewind appeared in the ruined doorway hurling an odd bag. It smashed into a wall, showering coins. That was when it dawned on her; Rincewind must have noticed her disappointment about missing the brawl earlier that day and so he had paid these men to stage a brawl! Oh, he was so sweet!

She watched him with bright eyes as the wizard sprang to the ceiling with amazing height. He must have used a spell or had really strong legs. Twoflower maneuvered her way over to him.  
"This is so exciting!" she giggled behind him. He jumped a bit, startled.  
"How come you're up here?" he gasped. Twoflower shrugged innocently.  
"I thought I'd better not get in everyone's way." Then she added, "A real brawl! Better than anything I'd imagined! However did you put them up to it?" Rincewind stared at her as if she had suddenly grown a second head. "Do you think I ought to thank them?" she asked as the brawlers started throwing themselves out the windows to escape the luggage, or at least the humans did. The trolls burst through the walls and the dwarves followed. Rincewind looked at her blankly.  
"I think we ought to be getting down now," he said hollowly. "Everyone's gone."

Indeed, the inn was all but empty now, with a few corpses and unconscious blokes scattered across the floor.

Rincewind helped Twoflower down from the beams and led her across the littered floor and up the steps. Outside, Twoflower could see that there were still a few stars however the moon was gone. Rimward, there was a faint grey glow.

"That was so exciting! I can't wait to see what you have planned next!" Rincewind let out a long hollowed sigh.  
"At this rate? The gravesite followed by a trip to the afterlife." He sniffed the air. "Can you smell oil?" Before Twoflower could respond Rincewind was tripped and from the shadows Withel appeared. Twoflower stepped forward and stopped, not knowing exactly what was going on.

Rincewind rolled over and looked up at Withel, as if he expected the man to attack him with a sword that looked like a needle. However he did not and instead waited for Rincewind to stand. After a few quiet words from the other, Rincewind did. Very slowly, and drew from his belt a short sword. It was short and very blunt compared to Withel's. Rincewind wailed something, but Twoflower couldn't understand as it was in Ankh-Morkporian. She thought they were friends, so what was happening? Why were they pulling weapons on one another?  
"Rincewind?" Twoflower said. Not exactly scared, but confused. "What-"  
"Just stand back or we'll **both** get killed!" Rincewind quickly snapped in Trob. His eyes were focused on Withel with a look Twoflower almost took for terror as a bead of sweat ran down his face. He said something desperately and Withel smiled coldly. Suddenly he lunged forward and Rincewind caught the thrust heroically. He jerked his hand away and managed to deflect the second stroke before the third one stabbed through his robe at heart-height. Twoflower gasped just as gold coins began to drop out of the hem of the wizard's robe.  
'_That was a very inventive trick.'_ She thought, watching the wizard in awe as he handled the thief. Just then there was an explosion, erupted from the drums and its walls billowed outward and carried the roof a hundred feet into the air before bursting through it in a gout of red-hot tiles. Twoflower stared in amazed awe at the scene. She was only brought out of this trance when the strangled gurgle of her guide reached her ears. She turned and saw Withel reach out with both hands and grab Rincewind's neck, forcing him down to the ground.

That was far enough for Twoflower. Quickly she looked around and found Withel's sword. She grabbed it and pointed it at the thief's back.

"Excuse me," she said, nervously, but also firm. Withel released his grip and slowly got off the wizard. Rincewind quickly scrambled to his feet and his eyes narrowed. He reached into his robe, and then withdrew his hand bunched into a fist. Meanwhile Twoflower was holding the blade rather shakily. She had never picked up a weapon before.  
"Am I doing this right?" she asked anxiously. Suddenly Withel started to turn on her and Rincewind lashed out and caught the thief on the jaw. Twoflower stared at the wizard in amazement as the thief quietly toppled into the mud. Rincewind uncurled his stinging fist and the roll of gold coins slipped between his throbbing fingers. Twoflower blinked down at the thief.  
"Is he alright?"  
"Probably." Rincewind muttered. He looked up and yelled as an ember landed on his neck.

Twoflower looked up and saw that the flames were racing like steads along the rooftops on the other side of the street. People were hurling possessions from windows and dragging horses from smoking stables. An explosion from the Drum sent a whole marble mantelpiece towards them. It only missed Twoflower because Rincewind yanked her down in the nick of time.  
"The Widdershin Gate's the nearest!" he shouted above the crackle of collapsing rafters. "Come on!"  
"But!"  
"_Come on_!" He grabbed Twoflower's reluctant arm and dragged her down the street.  
"But my **luggage**!" she cried.  
"_Blast your luggage_! Stay here much longer and you'll go where you don't need luggage!"

They jogged through the crowd of frightened people leaving the area. Twoflower was so sad to see so many people lose their homes. She hoped that they had some sort of backup plan for situations like this. She turned to Rincewind to ask about this, but stopped. He had a tight grip on her hand so they wouldn't be separated by the crowds. He was muttering something to himself with a puzzled frown.

"I'm sure all the candles went out," he said. "So how did the Drum catch fire?"  
"I don't know," moaned Twoflower. "Oh, it's so terrible, Rincewind. We were getting along so well, too." Rincewind stopped in astonishment, so that another refugee cannoned into him and spun away with an angry voice.  
"_Getting on?!"_ he gasped, a look of aghast on his face as he released her hand. She nodded.  
"Oh, yes. They were really friendly." Twoflower explained. "I thought language was a bit of a problem, but they were so keen for me to join them. I saw them talking to you and figured that they must be your friends. You know, I wasn't sure what you were up to until the brawl started. Again, it was really wonderful for you to plan that all for me." Rincewind opened his mouth a few time, but seemed to have forgotten how to use words. So instead he gapped at the woman. Twoflower turned to look in the direction of the Drum.  
"This will all be a terrible a blow for poor Broadman," she continued. "Still, at least he was wise. I've still got the rhinu he paid as his first premium." Rincewind's frown deepened.  
"You _inn-sewered_ the Drum?" he said. "You **bet** Broadman it _wouldn't_ catch _fire_?"  
"Oh yes. Standard valuation. Two hundred rhinu, just like my late husband told me." Twoflower tilted her head. "Why do you ask?" She watched the man curiously as he looked every which way before settling back on the tourist.  
"You-!" he began, "You!" he repeated. He stumbled for a moment before turning to yell at the empty shadows behind him. Twoflower wondered about his sanity as he turned back to her. With an exasperated breath, Rincewind grabbed Twoflower again.  
"Let's get out of here!"

&8&

Rincewind led Twoflower through the panicked city, his mind reeling with panic and anger. Inn-sewer-ants! Betting a worm like Broadman that it wouldn't catch fire! Honestly! What on the disc was she thinking! Did she even realize that all of Ankh-Morpork was burning because of that wager? He sincerely doubted it.  
Glancing behind him he saw that the woman was looking as the erupting fire with amazement. What was wrong with the girl? Rincewind winced as the flames grew. This was no good! They needed a faster way to get out of here. As he ran, he spotted a merchant hurrying two horses along. He dragged Twoflower over to them.

"How much?" he asked quickly. The merchant looked him over as if he was insane to be shopping in the middle of a fire, which he was. However a true merchant never turned down a sale, even if it was literally raining fire.

"Forty pieces." He said. Rincewind frowned as he looked the beasts over. The merchant was defiantly asking fifty times their worth, but he expected no less. He looked at Twoflower who was looking up nervously at it.  
"Can you ride?" he asked. She shook her head and Rincewind sighed. He turned to the merchant. "We'll take one." He hastily shoved a gold coin into a very surprised and trembling hand. Then he walked over to Twoflower and helped her on to the stead, before climbing on behind her. Because of the height difference, she was able to settle quite easily between his arms. With snap of the reigns, Rincewind turned the horse towards the Widdershin Gates.

The timbers of the Widdershin Gate were already on fire when they, reached them. Rincewind's face was blistered and reddened from the flames. Twoflower, shielded by Rincewind's form was red but no worse for the wear. They rode through just as the big gate timbers fell in an explosion of sparks. Once they had escaped the city, Rincewind let out a breath of air. They made it! He couldn't believe it! They were alive.

For now anyway.

**End of Chapter 4**

No real romance yet, I know but love takes time. Especially when you're as naïve as Twoflower and pessimistic as Rincewind. I'll slip a little something in the next chapter though.


	5. Countryside

**TwoflowerxRincewind**

**Chapter 5: The Country side**

Once Rincewind decided that they were far enough he pulled the horse to a stop and they made camp.  
"So is there a plan?" Twoflower asked conversationally. At the moment she was trying desperately to light a camp fire with some flint, and failing miserably. She let out a cry as she scraped her finger. Instinctively she dropped the flint and began to suck on the wound. Sighing, Rincewind grabbed the flint.  
"Well, I suppose we'll take the coast road to Quirm." He said, lighting the fire more easily before settling himself against a log. Twoflower sat back as well. In the fire light, Twoflower noticed that the wizard's face was red and had few blisters here and there. She herself had red patches, but thanks to Rincewind she was alright. She shifted guiltily.

When her luggage arrived, she quickly went over to it and dug in it. When she had found what she was looking for, she went over to man who had been watching her curiously.

"Hold still," she said as she spun off the lid off a crystal vial.  
"Whass that?" the wizard asked suspiciously, pulling away almost instinctively.  
"Burn ointment." She explained. "It'll help with the burns and make sure they don't scar. Hold still, this'll sting;" She started to rub it on Rincewind's face and he let out a yelp. Twoflower chuckled.  
"I told you." she said almost teasingly.  
"It smells," Rincewind complained, wrinkling his nose.  
"If helps the healing process go faster without scarring, does it honestly matter?" Rincewind fell silent and Twoflower continued to spread the ointment. His nose crinkled at the scent, which also stung at his eyes. However, he did enjoy the cooling effect that followed, along with the feeling of her skin on his, so he let her continue.

He shivered slightly as her fingers started to rub at his neck and gasped as she touched a particularly large (and painful) blister.  
"Sorry!" Twoflower apologized. Rincewind moved his head and found himself staring into Twoflower's round face. Currently it was in a soft determination as she softly applied the medicine, but even in the fire light Rincewind could every detail. This could be because she was so close to his own face so she could properly see what she was doing.  
Mad, soft, gentle, kind, confounding beyond belief… what was this person exactly?  
_'A woman._' He answered his wandering thoughts with a chuckle. Her hand moved his revealed collar bone and suddenly there was a large crack in the air, making both man and woman jump. They turned and saw the luggage glaring at them very disapprovingly. Rincewind was surprised that a piece of wood could pull off such a dark look.  
He cleared his throat defensively. As if it was _his_ fault!  
"I'll, um, take it from here." He muttered. Twoflower nodded and handed him the vile.

"I can't wait till tomorrow! I expect it to be quite exciting!" She said, settling beside him. Rincewind scoffed.  
"Yeah, exciting." He muttered, rubbing the balm along his arms. What had he gotten himself into? He still be sitting in his small, quiet corner of the drum if it wasn't for this small, infuriating woman with the dress of many colors, and large eyes, the full strawberry pink lips, snow skin, and long silky hair…

Wait. Since when did he start thinking like that?

Rincewind shook his head. It really had been a long day. He glanced at the woman at his side. She was blathering on about the quaint country side and something about caves. It was hard to make out what she was saying for in her excitement her words blended together.

So something so sweet cause so much trouble in just one night? It was baffling.

'_You're rather taken with her, aren't you? I can tell,'_ said a sudden voice in his head. It was so sudden, he was startled.

'_Who're you?'_ Rincewind thought back, with a frown. '_Not that blasted spell again!'_

'_Oh, I'm much more powerful than that old spell,'_ the voice smirked. '_I'm your libido. It's a bit stuffy in here, isn't it? You haven't had it done up since the last time I was around.'_

'_Look, go away, will you? I'm in no mood for this.'_

'_Yes you are. That's why I'm here.' _Rincewind let out a sigh that was lost in Twoflower's blathering next to him_._

'_Look, I'm a _**wizard**!_ Wizards are ruled by their heads, not by their hearts!'_

'_Yeah, you're real wizardly! And I'm getting votes from your glands, and they're telling me that as far as your body is concerned your brain is in a minority of one.'_

'_Yes? But it's got the casting vote, then.'_

'_Hah! That's what you think. Your heart has got nothing to do with this, by the way, it's merely a muscular organ which powers the circulation of the blood. But look at it like this - you quite like her, don't you?'_

'_Well...'_ Rincewind hesitated and thought. He had long since decided that the little tourist was insane, but she was also generous, kind, and saw the world in a very bright, positive way. She was completely wrong, but it was still a nice change of pace. He actually found her quite liked her. Not liking her would be just like kicking a puppy.  
He looked at her as she babbled on and on about the sights she hoped to see.  
She wasn't bad looking. In fact in his opinion she was quite pretty, well-shaped. Different then the shapes he usually saw, but well-shaped all the same. She was defiantly adorable. Adorable? Yes, that word described perfectly, along with mad.

'_She's pretty good company, eh? Nice hips?'_

'_Well, of course. If you like insane, mad women who almost get you _killed_!'_

'_You do. Or at least you like this one. Trust me. You'd like to see more of her?'_

'_Well...'_ Rincewind realized with utter surprise that, yes, he would. Despite everything that mad woman caused he would very much so. His blue eyes trailed down her face, to her bare pale neck in the moon light to her small, but nonetheless well shaped, chest to her stomach, to her hips… _'No!'_

Rincewind shook his head almost violently, his face turning a slightly deeper shade of red underneath the burns. It wasn't that he was entirely unused to the company of women, especially since he was forced out of the university, but it always seemed to cause trouble. Also, it was a well-known fact that it was bad for the magical abilities, although thanks to that accursed spell, his particular magical abilities were approximately those of a rubber hammer.

'_Then you've got nothing to lose, have you?'_ his libido put in, in an oily tone of thought.

'_Except you,'_ his head reasoned suddenly as a foreboding thought crept into mind.

'_What do you mean?'_

'_Did we forget something? Well, allow me to remind you. Does the killer luggage ring any bells?'_ Rincewind looked at the luggage that was watching him like a wolf. An angry wolf, mind. It didn't have to say anything to make its thoughts clear which were; "If you try anything, I'll smash your balls along with everything else in your body!" This seemed to make his libido think.

'_Ah, yes, well…'_

'_Ha!'_

'_Well, some sacrifices need to be made.'_

'_Pardon?'_

'_You heard me. Look, are you going to let some timber wood get in the way of a night of fun?'_

'_Considering how this night's going and the fact that that trunk likes to make people disappear? Yes!'_

Finally Rincewind was brought out of his thoughts by the innocent voice of Twoflower.  
"Rincewind? Are you alright?" she asked, blissfully unaware of the inner turmoil she caused in him.  
"Hm? Oh, I'm just fine. Just tired after today." He sighed. It wasn't a total lie. He was tired, exhausted even.  
"Oh, I don't blame you! We so much fun today." Rincewind mouthed at the word 'fun.' "We should probably get some rest so we're ready for tomorrow." She went to her luggage and pulled out two blankets. "Here;" she said as she handed him one along with a pillow.  
"Thanks…" he said slowly, looking at the pattern. It had a snake like creature with legs and a lion's head. He briefly wondered if it was a common creature back at her home, but decided it was too late to ask any questions. He laid his blanket a respectable distance away from Twoflower and settled on the cold, hard ground.

'_And let's get this straight!' _he said to his inner thoughts. _'I'm only here so that the Patrician doesn't kill me! That's the only reason and nothing else!'_ A stubborn eye trailed over to Twoflower who was curling under a lavender blanket with flower patterns. _'Nothing at all.'_

With that he closed his eyes and trailed into his own slumber, hoping to gain some peace at last.

*)*

The next few days went quite well in Twoflower's opinion; she got to see many villages and themes, though there was a little trouble with a farmer whom Twoflower thought was beating his cattle too hard. Luckily Rincewind managed to settle the argument with little injury, though he was lightly trampled.

Speaking of the wizard, Twoflower had decided that she was rather fond of him. True he was a little cynical and pessimistic at times, but that didn't bother her at all. Besides, he was also very intelligent and skilled, not that she expect anything else from a wizard. She really loved hearing his knowledge and views on things they saw. (Though his thoughts were pretty much on the wave length of "don't get involved, it'll most likely get us killed.")

Currently Rincewind was telling Twoflower the theory and practice of magic, which was a very interesting topic to her. Though it became less glamoured when he explained that it worked differently then she thought.  
"It all seems, well, rather useless to me," she admitted as they rode along. "I always thought that, oh you know, a wizard just said the magic words and poof, zap, etc. Not all this long tedious memorizing." Rincewind agreed moodily.  
"It used to be like that," he said. "Wild and lawless, but it has long since been tamed back in the mists of time by the Olden Ones, who had bound it to obey, among other things, the Law of Conservation of Reality. This demands that the effort needed to achieve a goal should be the same regardless of the means used." Twoflower blinked her dark eyes up him, though Rincewind was slightly blinded by the light that bounced off the lens.  
"Meaning…?" Rincewind thought for moment on how to explain.  
"Well, in practical terms, say, you wanted to create an illusion of a glass of wine; this is supposedly easy since it involves merely the subtle shifting of light patterns," he said. "On the other hand, lifting a genuine wineglass even a few feet in the air by sheer mental energy requires several hours of systematic preparation. That is if the wizard wished to prevent flicking his brain out through his ears." Twoflower cringed slightly at the mental image. Rincewind continued,  
"Some of the ancient magic can still be found in its raw state, I suppose. It's recognizable, to the initiated, by the eightfold shape it made in the crystalline structure of space-time. There's the metal octagon, for example, and the gas octagon. Both of these radiate dangerous amounts of raw enchantment."  
"Amazing!"  
"Depressing if you ask me," he finished.  
"Depressing?"

Behind them, Twoflower's Luggage was currently moseying along behind them on its little legs, occasionally snapping its lid at butterflies.  
"Rincewind thinks he ought to be able to harness the lightning," Twoflower looked down at the picture imp, who was observing the passing scene from the tiny doorway of the box slung around Twoflower's neck. He had spent the morning painting scenes for his mistress, and she had allowed him a break for a smoke. Rincewind's ears turned red.  
"When I said harness I didn't mean _harness_," he snapped. "I meant, well I just meant that- I dunno, I just can't think of the right words. I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized." Twoflower bit back a laugh, but it still came out a chuckle.  
"That's just fantasy," she said. Even she knew that the world was chaotic and that they were far too many things in the world that couldn't be explained. And that was the way she liked it. Order was too boring for her tastes.  
"I know. That's the trouble." Rincewind sighed. Twoflower looked up at him. She felt guilty that she laughed now.  
"You know, I think maybe you could harness lightning." She said, surprising him.  
"What?"  
"I think it can be done." She continued, though she mainly saying all this too be nice. "There must be a way, I'm sure. It just needs to be found."  
"You really think that?" She nodded.  
"Sure! You can make it your next wizarding project. In time I'm sure you'll figure it out." She shrugged and looked away. Twoflower didn't see the light blush that danced across his face. The picture imp laughed as he went back in his box and Rincewind "accidently" hit it as he lifted his hand.

Suddenly he went very quiet as he peered around, a frown on his features. Twoflower didn't see why. There was no-one nearby that she could see.  
"What's wrong?" He shushed her. Then she felt a slight breeze that grew and went in the space of a few heartbeats. Suddenly from seemingly nowhere there was now a five-metric tall mountain troll standing in the road. It looked exceptionally angry.  
"What a strange creature!" Twoflower remarked, with wide eyes. "Is it dangerous?"  
"Only to people!" shouted Rincewind. He drew his sword and, with a smooth overarm throw, heroically threw it. However, it completely failed to hit the troll. The blade plunged on into the heather at the side of the track and struck a boulder concealed in the heather and it sprang up like a leaping salmon and in mid-ricochet plunged deeply into the back of the troll's grey neck. Twoflower was in complete awe.  
"How in the world did you know that would happen?" she asked.  
"Er, geography." He said quickly.

The troll grunted and spun around and made a grab for Rincewind and Twoflower. Then suddenly it looked surprised, and then toppled over to the ground where shattered into gravel. During this, the horse reared back in terror. Twoflower leaned forward and grabbed the creature's neck while Rincewind toppled off backwards. She hung on desperately as it staggered two-legged across the road and then, screaming, it turned and galloped into the woods, taking the tourist with it.

&8&

It was during this Twoflower clearly realized that she was NOT made for horse riding. She was bouncing every which way as it galloped and her grip was slowly waning. During the horse's mad dash it had burst through some rushes and disturbed, from what Twoflower could see, a bear with its cubs. Fortunately, they had gone on before the bear could react. Then they galloped over the sleeping bodies of a large wolf pack. This had Twoflower worried for a moment; however the horse ran out of sight before the pack of wolves could pursue them.  
Finally Twoflower managed to grab the reins and pulled back on them like she had seen Rincewind do when he wanted to stop.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Twoflower slid, rather ungracefully from the stead's back. After she tied the reins to a sapling, she took a few moments to catch her breath. She looked around at the surrounding trees.  
"Rincewind?" she said uncertainly. The long aisles of trees bounced Twoflower's voice from side to side and eventually tossed it back to her, unanswered by her guide. She let out a sigh before seating herself on a rock to line up all the facts and think about the situation.  
Firstly, she was lost. That was vexing yet, but it did not worry her much. After all, the forest looked quite interesting and probably held elves or gnomes, perhaps even both. In fact on a couple of occasions she had thought she had seen strange green faces peering down at her from the branches.  
Twoflower had always wanted to meet an elf. Actually, what she really wanted to meet was a dragon, but an elf would do. Or a real goblin.  
The second thing was that her Luggage was missing, and that was annoying and worrisome. Aside from it having all her possessions, she liked having the box around as it kept her company. Also, it offered a form of protection that made her feel more secure as she wandered. She didn't need protection, being just an observer, however it was still a peace of mind.  
Third, Rincewind was gone, and probably still fighting with the troll. That was worrisome.  
Also it was starting to rain. Heavily. And as she became wet, she became cold.

She squirmed uncomfortably on the damp stone, and tried to look on the bright side. She was unharmed and no doubt a great wizard like Rincewind was perfectly fine as well. She was sure that it would take more than a troll to take a great wizard like him down. After all, they didn't make just anyone a wizard, now did they? Her luggage was sure to find her, no doubt about that. She knew everything would work out just fine.

Nonetheless, the day was wearing on and perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea to hang about in the open. Just in case any animals got any ideas.  
'_Perhaps there's a...'_ He racked his brains trying to remember what sort of accommodation forests traditionally offered. '_Perhaps there was a ginger bread house or something? Or maybe a Dwarven cottage. That would be interesting._' She shifted again.

The stone really was uncomfortable.

She looked down and, for the first time, noticed the strange carving. It looked like a spider. Or was it a squid? The moss and lichens rather blurred the precise details. Yet they didn't blur the runes carved below it. Twoflower could read them quite clearly. Well, not exactly; although she could read the message the actual letters were completely unknown to her. Yet somehow the message was arriving in her brain without the tedious necessity of passing through her eyes. It "read;"

'_Traveler the hospitable temple of Bel-Shamharoth lays one thousand paces Hubwards.'_

"Bel-Sha-m-ha-roth?" Twoflower repeated with a curious brow. What on the disc was that?  
She stared at the message then with a shiver from the rain she stood up and untied the horse. She wasn't sure which way the Hub laid, but there seemed to be an old track of sorts leading away between the trees. It would seem that this _"Bel-Shamharoth" _seemed prepared to go out of his way to help stranded travelers. In any case, it was that or the wolves. Twoflower nodded decisively. Not even she was eager to be ripped apart and eaten. Besides, "Bel-Shamharoth" sounded very curious and interesting. A sight like that should defiantly be seen.

**End of chapter 5**

Just for the record, even though it's heading that way, Rincewind is not in full love mode. He's in chemicals reacting and 'I haven't had sex for a while mode.' He's getting there though.

And yes, I did get most that scene from Sorcery.


End file.
